Sometimes it catches me completely off-guard when I remind myself that Dane and I have only known each other for 2 months. I surprise myself when I am reminded that we knew each other for just over 1 month when we made the decision for me to move in with him for what was originally meant to be 21 days. It feels as if we have known each other for a lifetime but if we remove the comfort, the sense of familiarity and all that has drawn us so strongly to one another, there are a million things that we don’t know about each other.
We have spent a lot of time talking but for the most part, we have this insanely unrealistic expectation that the other should just know everything that there is to know. We have had these moments of complete communication break-down because of this, it’s almost like, “You’ve known me for 2 months, how do you not know everything about me dammit??!”, but it has only been 2 months and we often find ourselves reminding each other that this is just the very beginning.
I think that the idea of truly knowing anyone is taken for granted, we spend a lot of time talking with friends, family and partners, but often what we talk about is surface level. We don’t dig too deep, too afraid to reveal too much so we stick to just skating comfortably and safely across the surface of, “Hey, this is who I am.” But there is so much more to reveal, to learn and to interrogate and of course truly getting to know someone takes time, but sometimes it means switching off the TV, leaving that Netflix show for later and trying something completely new.
Last night was one of the best nights that I have had Dane. I read an article on Medium (link at the end of this post), with a game to help you get to know your partner better (essentially 20 questions). Due to our alcohol stash having dried up, we made coffee milkshakes (which were also a total flop), and we sat on the couch with reggae playing softly in the background. We each took our turn to choose a question that led to us spending an hour between questions telling stories about our lives. We sat there for hours entirely entrenched in the process of truly getting to know each other completely free of expectation and pre-judgment.
I felt like a teenager sitting up all night with my crush just wanting to talk more and just wanting to know more. It was a feeling of renewed excitement and what saddened me is that I realised that I had lost that sense of excitement that I had had when I was a teenager. Somewhere along the way, I had added this pressure and expectation of what a relationship needed to look like and how it needed to play out just because I am now 28 years old and considered an adult. I had forgotten how fun and exciting the process of getting to know someone can truly be, and the added pressure and expectations that I had placed on myself and the relationship were making it tough for both of us as we navigated the intensity of getting to know one another with the added complexity of living together under global lockdown with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
Last night I learned two very important things:
It is fun to spend time truly getting to know someone and this goes for any type of relationship. There is all the shit that we would tell anybody, but then there is the true dimension of who we truly are that we don’t readily share. We are always in this constant state of change and what you thought last year may not be applicable today, so there is always room to get to know each other deeper and on different levels as change takes place.
Just because you are an adult doesn’t mean that everything needs to be so serious. There is something to be learned from our teenager-selves – the lack of pressure, lack of expectation, pure wonder and excitement that every relationship was treated with is something that we need to hold onto.
As frustrating as this lockdown can seem at times, it has gifted us the unique opportunity to really get to know not only yourself better, but also those that you are spending this time with. Dig deep and enjoy every moment of what you uncover..
Be Safe xx